You either face your demons, or they will raise your children

The Party on the Stairs (1875) by Adelaide Claxton

“A lot of people have kids. Not enough people are parents.” Ryan Holiday’s book The Daily Dad begins with a grim statement that captures the reality of parenting, which, to most parents, is more like checking boxes. Taking your kids to school, putting food on their table, buying them clothes, taking them to Disneyland, and buying them their favorite toys.

On an online forum, likely Reddit, someone who worked as a nanny for ten years and helped raise several children noted in a post that the most negative elements impacting a child generally come from - and are passed to them by - their parents’ unresolved trauma. And this is the part, she wrote, where she feels powerless while caring for a child. This is because resolving logistical issues is easy, but fixing the psychological and emotional issues that are results of being passed from their parents is extremely cumbersome - if not impossible - for others to do.

Regarding the unfulfilled desires of parents, unresolved issues, and emotional patterns that are unconsciously - and often consciously - passed between generations, particularly to children, Carl Jung famously said, "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.”

“Interpretation in terms of the parents is, however, simply a façon de parler. In reality the whole drama takes place in the individual’s own psyche, where the “parents” are not the parents at all but only their imagos: they are representations which have arisen from the conjunction of parental peculiarities with the individual disposition of the child”. - Jung, Symbols of Transformation (1912)

Going and Coming (1947) by Norman Rockwell  

Avoiding our insecurities, fears, and unhealthy patterns doesn't make them disappear. Instead, these issues unconsciously influence and control how we parent and relate to our children. Someone with unresolved issues linked to anger and aggression who has normalizing yelling and shouting will likely do the same with their children involuntarily and unconsciously. Similarly, a child with impulsivity and inattention may have been unconsciously influenced and “trained” by their parents to live that way.

As ideological polarization rises in the U.S., an obvious example of this "cognitive distortion" is parents holding orthodox and socially unhealthy views on race, region, sexuality, and politics, and unconsciously passing their beliefs to their children through the behaviors they exhibit and the remarks they make in their daily lives.

As the saying goes, children are like sponges. They absorb an enormous amount of information without much conscious effort. They absorb not only what they learn from their parents explicitly, but also their insecurities, fears, coping mechanisms, and blind spots. These learned patterns are how kids relate to and respond to the world, enabling dysfunction to be passed to the next generation.

The journey of a parent isn't just about the parent. In many ways, it’s as much about the children as it is about the parents. One of the goals of parenting should be to break the cycle and prevent unhealthy, painful patterns from reaching the next generation. You either face your demons, or they will raise your children.

Disruption

The idea of disruption can be thrilling for some, yet frightening for others.

A recent article by EY, titled 'What if disruption isn't the challenge, but the chance?', describes the current state of affairs in the world as the 'NAVI world'. NAVI is an acronym representing the four characteristics that distinguish the current situation from the pre-pandemic operating environment. Aimed at business leaders, the article details that we are living in a world in which change is increasingly nonlinear, accelerated, volatile, and interconnected.

The authors of the article outline two ways to succeed: transforming for agility in the near term and making no-regret moves in the long term. 

Disruption is not a mandatory aspect of innovation.

In his masterpiece, “The Structure of Scientific Revolutions”, Thomas Kuhn, one of the most prominent 20th-century philosophers of science, writes that successful new models frequently incorporate old ones. In order to create something new, it is not necessary to completely discard or break what we already have. He uses Newton and Einstein as examples, saying that Newton’s revolutionary ideas are still being used to build bridges and buildings, while Einstein’s are used to create GPS navigators, solar panels, laser beams, and self-lighting street lamps.

While successful disruptors in the 21st century may break old models, they build better ones that benefit us all. This is why we should embrace them rather than fear them.

Our readiness for innovation – and any accompanying disruption – is enhanced when we embrace change. The best way to accomplish this is to consistently expose yourself to different things, experiences, and adventures.

Spotlight

Narcissus, 1599, Caravaggio

In a society obsessed with social media and "main character energy" - famous politicians, religious figures, cult leaders, movie stars, celebrity athletes, social media influencers, et al. - visibility is often mistakenly seen as a synonym for value.

Those who lack the information and mental acuity to recognize the superficiality and insincerity of it all are led to believe that their contributions are insignificant and that they have no worth unless they are heard, seen, accepted, and acknowledged by others.

Telling ourselves that receiving attention is the path to fulfillment - whether in a corporate setting, family, or local community - is an unhealthy form of self-care and an ineffective way to contribute to a cause.

In our pursuit of authentic recognition, we often become less authentic. This happens when we place more trust in the arbitrary and often flawed judgments of strangers, shifting public opinion, and the whims of social media algorithms than in our own logic.

The most important and influential people in our lives are not those we see on TV, on stage, or on social media. They are also not the pretentious folks trying to convince us that their lives are perfect. Instead, they are the people who have helped shape our lives with their consistent and often selfless presence, which is anything but glamorous.

Fishing in Spring, the Pont de Clichy (Asnières), 1887, Vincent van Gogh

Lao Tzu, the author of the Tao Te Ching, a Chinese classic text central to religious and philosophical Taoism, stressed the importance of aligning oneself with the natural order of the universe. He discussed the concept of wu wei, which is the cultivation of a mental state in which one’s actions effortlessly align with life’s natural flow. 

Meditations, a timeless masterpiece by Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius, was written for personal use only and not intended for publication. The book contains his private musings and has influenced people across the centuries. It is one of the most notable sources for studying and understanding ancient Stoic philosophy. Aurelius's most lasting contribution to humanity did not come from his position as emperor and the most influential figure of his time. Rather, it was the result of his contemplation of Stoicism during moments of solitude and seclusion, when no one was watching.

Similar to Socrates' dictum that "the unexamined life is not worth living," one should accept that life becomes easier in today's chaotic world by believing in and striving for true fulfillment, which does not come from being seen by many, but rather from "seeing" ourselves. This profound "seeing" occurs when we understand our values, act with integrity, and meaningfully contribute to the quiet rhythm of human existence.